the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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