look no pants
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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