I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize