Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I looked at my own cervix.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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