I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I lost the right to judge tonight
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
