Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
