6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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