ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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