Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
