I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You ruined the universe
Randomize
