I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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