Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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