party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
