So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
