I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
