this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
