I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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