the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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