Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
