I skipped work to stalk him.
farters have to be the big spoon...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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