I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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