Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
