The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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