my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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