I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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