What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
