We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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