So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
