my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
