Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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