D3 body, D1 cock
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
