My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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