Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
