You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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