Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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