You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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