her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize