Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
