A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This baby is an asshole
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
