I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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