Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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