ugly people sure do ruin things
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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