Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i wish my penis had a tongue
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
