I bet he comes in French.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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