Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
