You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
