Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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