She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
