we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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