god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Did I show you my penis last night?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize