does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
