I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
