Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
