And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
