Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
