i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
