i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
whose ass print is on the piano?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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