Yo dont text me then not text me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm at about main and main street
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
