I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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