Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
