So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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