I wish I could teleport
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
