My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
