tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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