You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize