trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
